Never underestimate an infant's ability to create danger. (2/3/99)
When your baby is first born you are thrust into a state of over-the-top bliss which is best exemplified by the utterly saccharine message on your answering machine, done in your best Mr. Rogers tone of voice: "Hi everyone ... you have reached the home of Sam, Paula ... and our new little special guest star Brittany ... tee hee hee ... we can't come to the phone now 'cause we're in teddy bear land..." You've been lulled into believing that the rest of your life will proceed in a state of pure happiness, and that eleven minutes of sleep per week is plenty.
Eventually you will be forced to re-engage with the outside world, at which time reality will reappear in the form of parking tickets, fleas, leaking roofs, bad haircuts, telephone sales people, and local television commercials. The negativity generated by these experiences allows your fatigue to get a foothold, and when the insides of your eyelids feel like sandpaper and you crave three or four days of uninterrupted sleep, you start to get protective of your spare time.
Although it is common to experience sudden waves of hostility towards anything which threatens to disturb your momentary and hard-earned peace of mind, you must remember that babies are emotional sponges; they are far too fragile to withstand exposure to any negative outbursts. Therefore, in order to prevent Permanent Emotional Scarring (also known as "growing up") you must wear the Happy Face and make the Happy Cooing Sound in order to fool the little one into thinking that all is well in the world. Ha ha ha, children are so gullible.
After a few short months you'll have more to worry about than your tone of voice and facial expressions, since your baby will have entered that precious and loveable stage where everything goes into the mouth. Any object which is not actually bolted to some sort of foundation is a choking hazard for infants and toddlers. Never let your guard down, even during the early months, since many infants exhibit what is known as "Magnetic Trachea Syndrome," a condition where all objects in a room which are smaller than a forklift are magnetically attracted toward the child's windpipe. Many new parents have had the confusing experience of laying Baby down for a nap in a clean bed and returning to find the pillow surrounded by car keys, guitar picks, lipsticks, pennies, golf tees, cough lozenges, and Monopoly houses. This is often mistaken for paranormal activity by parents who watch too much television.
When your baby is old enough to sit up without mechanical assistance you may be tempted to plunk him down on the floor while attempting to perform some household task. You may have even worked out a simple routine such as taking out the kitchen trash, a move which you have timed out to exactly seven seconds. The moment Baby turns his head away, you can grab the trash, run outside, throw it in the can, and run back inside to a proper viewing angle before he's had time to plug in the cuisinart. Remember, as playthings go, high-speed rotating knives are politically incorrect at best, so don't loaf on your way back into the house.
Babies are very resourceful when motivated, and are very fast learners. If you have the trash dash timed out to seven seconds, he'll review his process and find a way to eliminate unneccesary steps which will then enable him to activate the cuisinart in six seconds.
Exhaustive research at Homedaddy Labs has established a 4 second window, now known as "The Four Second Window" and recognized as the industry standard, during which you can safely look away from your baby. This is the average amount of time needed for Baby to stick the top half of a bowling trophy down his throat, or in the case of an extremely precocious child, to burn your entire house to the ground. Some parents have "trained" Baby to go for slightly longer stretches of time, and one reader claims to achieve spans of up to eleven seconds with the use of simple restraining straps. We at Homedaddy Inc. do not endorse this technique, except perhaps on the parent.
There is no substitute for constant vigilance. You may have served as a babysitter sometime in your past, but that probably meant acting as referee for a knock-down-drag-out Monopoly grudge match between the neighbor's pre-teens. Infants are another story.
You can't even have a decent game of Monopoly with an infant. Babies do not have the worldly experience to deal with complex situations and will usually attempt a life-threatening maneuver such as inhaling a hotel or purchasing Water Works.
Speaking of Monopoly, did you know that it is a sure-fire cure for Baby's fever when she gets sick? Here's how it works: At the first hint of a fever (non-stop continuous wailing from 2 to 6 AM with no inhale is one telltale sign), start up a friendly game of Monopoly. By the time the game is over, Baby will not only be finished with her fever, she'll be finished with grad school. The best part of this plan is that if you lose, you can throw a tantrum, since she'll be old enough to handle it.
Copyright 1998-2001 by Todd Pinksy. All rights reserved. Reproduced by permission.
Homedaddy® is a registered trademark.
About Todd Pinsky:
Before writing Homedaddy, Todd Pinsky, author of Homedaddy: Little While Lies & Other Tales from the Crib, (Push Pull Press, $13.95) worked in film and television production, owned a catering business and coached Little League baseball… but not simultaneously. He lives in Santa Cruz, California, with his wife and their two young daughters. Email is welcome at todd@homedaddy.com
• Corn Dog Gets Battered
a feline adventure with a cast of thousands. (7/23/02)
• Just Jump Right In
Another busy week in the news. (7/16/02)
• The Return of Homedaddy
I wasn't loafing. I was brainstorming. (7/8/02)
• Pediatrician Expedition
You could die of old age in the waiting room. (1/15/02)
• The Vasectomy
I'll resort to anything to get a cople of days off. (12/11/01)
• Siblings Who Love Too Much
You might not always hurt the one you love, but you can try. (11/7/01)
• Down In The Mouth
All the world's an oral stage (10/21/01)
• The Cat's Meow
At least she isn't asking for a pony. Yet. (10/10/01)
• Stranger In A Strange Land
Muzak, terror, and little girls' underwear. (9/30/01)
• Dark Day Behind, Dark Days Ahead
Terrorists blow up the World Trade Center while my children listen to Raffi in the next room. (9/15/01)
• Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick
Eye surgery on babies is really OK, if you just don't think about it too hard. (8/30/01)
• Family Team Building
Homedaddy looks to the corporate world for morale-boosting techniques. (8/25/01)
• Ask Homedaddy - Career Change
A newborn interloper threatens older sibling's job security. (8/18/01)
• Homeward Bound
Now I need a vacation from our vacation. (8/10/01)
• Lost In The Sauce
You leave town for a few weeks and everything goes to hell. (8/1/01)
• Strictly Business
We're taking a long trip; I write about my family - it's all tax deductable, right? (7/23/01)
• Dat Ole Disney Magic
Your weapons are useless. (7/16/01)
• Road Tripping
I'm too old for these all-nighters. (6/28/01)
• The Hunchback Of The Nursery
Back injuries are genetic. You get them from your children. (6/25/01)
• Libraries and Loansharks
The library is a Homedaddy's safe haven. Just don't wear it out. (6/18/01)
• The Really Tough Questions
Just because you know a lot of words doesn't mean you know what's going on. (6/11/01)
• Quiet Time Is Quality Time
I am not giving up on Nap Time without a fight. (6/4/01)
• Ask Homedaddy: High Chair Etiquette
Social protocol for the three-and-under crowd. (5/28/01)
• Make-Believe Rag
Help your children learn to manipulate reality for personal gain. (5/21/01)
• Conspiracy Theories
Brainwashing our children to become productive members of society. (5/14/01)
• Laundry's Dark Side
Homedaddy uncovers the dark side of competetive Performance Washing. (5/7/01)
• Goodbye Blue Monday
Hot-rodded washing machines is the latest craze among America's Homedaddies. (4/26/01)
• Human Highlight Reel
Homedaddy's heroics go unrewarded. Just another day on the job. (4/23/01)
• Take A Bite Out Of Fear
Just because the dentist has a box of little prizes doesn't mean he won't stick you in the gums with something sharp. (4/12/01)
• Royalty Is A Bitch
What's so great about getting bruised by a single dried pea under twenty mattresses? (4/5/01)
• Party Animal
Party etiquette for the three-and-under crowd. (3/29/01)
• You Come Here Often?
A cuddly newborn is the greatest pickup tool ever. (3/22/01)
• Back To Basics
Enveloped by the Newborn Love Cloud. (3/15/01)
• You Snooze You Lose
Nothing strikes fear into Homedaady's heart like the prospect of giving up naps. (2/27/01)
• On The Road Again
Poop happens. (2/22/01)
• Work It On Out
The toddler work-out regimen. (2/12/01)
• No Place Like Home
You better smile when you talk about Barbie - just not too much. (2/5/01)
• Teddy Bear Herd Management
Responsible culling practices for successful stuffed animal husbandry. (1/27/01)
• Walk on the Retail Side
Face it, if these people were any smarter, they wouldn't be working in this department store. (1/23/01)
• Well, Baby...
A trip to the pediatrician is enough to make you sick. (1/16/01)
• Second Time's a Charm
Once you already have child, is it easy to add another one? Duh (1/8/01)
• Slumber Party
Back to square one for sleeping arrangements. (1/3/01)
• Welcome, Stella
Our new daughter makes her debut. (12/27/00)
• On The Brink
Stand by, she's ready to blow any minute! (12/20/00)
• Time Flies When You're In Denial
OK it's true, we're having a second child. (12/3/00)
• If I Only Had A Brain
For the record: I hate Babaar. (11/29/00)
• Why Ask Why?
Eventually, you need a better answer than "Because I said so." (11/22/00)
• Ask Homedaddy: Eeny Meeny Miny Moe
Revolutionary decision-making process has limitations. (11/15/00)
• Expect The Unexpected
Accidents can happen. Sometimes being prepared isn't enough. (11/08/00)
• Rock Of Ages
No way around it, I am turning into an old fart. (11/1/00)
• Ticket To Bribe
It's not a bribe, it's a contribution to your child's happiness. (10/25/00)
• Ask Homedaddy: Hurry Up and Wait
More advice for toddlers with mixed-up parents. (10/18/00)
• Ask Homedaddy: Standing Up For The Little Guy
Toddlers enter the Litigation Age. (10/11/00)
• New Skills, The Hard Way
Mental development comes at a price. (9/28/00)
• Ask Homedady: Butter, Clarified
More rules of engagement at the dinner table. (9/27/00)
• My Hero Has Feet Of Clay
Gumby Rules! (9/21/00)
• Baby, Take Two
Start freaking out early over sibling rivalry. (9/14/00)
• Dog Days of Bachelorhood
Life was so absurd without them, it was almost like having them here. (9/7/00)
• Ask Homeaddy: Imaginary Playmates
What to do about parents' disturbing behavior. (8/30/00)
• Ask Homedaddy: Advice for Toddlers
The first advice column for the chronologically challenged. (8/23/00)
• Interview With The Dinosaur
Barney's days are numbered. Hopefully. (8/16/00)
• Time And Punishment
Discipline on the temporal plane. (8/9/00)
• My Sippy Cup Runneth Over
Customize your sippy cup for optimum performance. (8/2/00)
• A Child's Garden of Curses
What happens when children's literature has an unexpected effect. (7/26/00)
• Bedtime, The Beginning of the End
Just getting them to bed requires an extensive game plan. (7/19/00)
• Lost Dogs and Dialogues
What our dog lacks in brains he makes up for in heft. (7/12/00)
• Mr. Todd's Wild Ride
She'll never be the same after that first trip to the amusement park (7/5/00)
• Nice Day For Something
I'd rather be lucky than good. (6/28/00)
• Father's Day Shmather's Day
Yeah, yeah, I know I'm great. So what? (6/21/00)
• In The Land Of The Giants
Another epic trip to the ballpark. (6/13/00)
• Mosquito Networking
Mosquitoes suck. (6/6/00)
• Share The Rod And Soil The Child
Sharing toys does not come naturally. For good reason (5/31/00)
• Little White Lies
Face it, lying is an American way of life. (5/24/00)
• Simon Says
Sometimes you must ask for help from a Higher Power. (5/17/00)
• Barf, Bears, and Boulders
Yosemite is a great place, but these bears ain't no Winnie the Pooh. (5/10/00)
• The Price Of High Fashion
I'm glad someone's buying retail. It keeps the thrift store stocked. (5/3/00)
• Stickers and Other Bribes
Little kids consider stickers to be holy objects; don't ask me why. (4/26/00)
• When They Don't Win It's A Shame
Why being a parent is like being a baseball umpire. (4/19/00)
• Ride 'Em, Homedaddy
When there are enough Homedaddies, childcare will become a spectator sport. (4/12/00)
• Yes, But Is It Art
I can summarize my attitude about children's art in three words: Don't eat paint (4/5/00)
• Standing Up To Martha
Who does she think she is, anyway? (3/29/00)
• Life of the Potty
An investigative peek at the sleazy potty-training industry. (3/22/00)
• Cooking Up Excuses
I'll do anything to avoid housework. (3/15/00)
• The Amazing Technicolor Dreambag
The ultimate Homedaddy accessory. (3/9/00)
• Photographic Memory
Where's that blasted camera when I need it? (3/1/00)
• Normal In A Crazy World
Some people take responsibility for their child's mood. Others just drug 'em up. (2/24/00)
• Meals And Deals
Toddlers are brutal negotiators. (2/16/00)
• Tantrums And Stress
It isn't fair. The kid gets to rage at will, and you have to learn deep breathing. (2/9/00)
• Selling The Dream
Telling a good bedtime story is like making a critical sales pitch. (2/3/00)
• Tackling The Terrible Twos
Ride it out, just ride it out. (1/27/00)
• Chasing The Sandman
How much can I gripe about lack of sleep? Try me. (1/19/00)
• Salt By The Ton
Early verbal communication is fraught with peril. (1/11/00)
• Dress For Success
Your child's taste in clothing is not a reflection on you. OK, maybe it is. (1/5/00)
• Baby Shower
Grabbing a quick shower has never been so complicated. (12/28/99)
• Holiday Video Review
Double shot of syrup with a saccharine chaser, please. (12/23/99)
• Ask Homedaddy -- The Readers Speak Out
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. (12/15/99)
• Death and Teletubbies
Life is stranger than fiction. Death is even stranger yet. (12/8/99)
• Homedaddy Quiz
So you think you got what it takes? (11/16/99)
• The Goldfish Standard
Homedaddy ponders the Y2K issue. (11/10/99)
• Night On The Town
Taking Little Ones to a restaurant is more work than staying home and cooking. (11/03/99)
• Halloween For Beginners
You'll only be able to choose costumes for them for a couple of years. Knock yourself out. (10/27/99)
• Two Faces of Homedaddy
You always hurt the one you love. Or so it seems. (10/14/99)
• Funny Business
An infantile sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste. (10/13/99)
• Shopping With Baby
Taking a baby into a supermarket is like taking her to Over-consumption Boot Camp. (10/06/99)
• Spare the Crib, Spoil the Child?
Whatever it takes, just get em to sleep. (9/29/99)
• Go With The Flow
Ask any expert: Fake nipples run a distant second to the real McCoy. (9/20/99)
• Discipline Is A Piece Of Cake
Once sweets are introduced, it's a slippery slope. (9/15/99)
• Go Fly A Kite
A suicide mission to the Toy Store so powerful that I dare not utter its name for fear of litigation. (9/8/99)
• All Toddlers Are Hippies
If you have to attend a kiddie sing-along, find one that rocks. (9/1/99)
• Nail-Biter
Your baby does not want a manicure. (8/25/99)
• Laundry Blues
No wonder women have hated it all these years. (8/18/99)
• Crayons Happen
Don't feed crayons to the dog. Just don't. (8/11/99)
• Baby's First Word
Don't get too excited. There's plenty more where that came from. (8/4/99)
• Nine Lives
The early demise and gutsy comeback of a showbiz legend. (7/28/99)
• Stay Cool
Do what you gotta do to keep comfortable on planes. (7/22/99)
• Notes From The Sleep-Deprived
I live for coffee. (7/7/99)
• Tell It Like It Seems
Lies, innuendo, heresay, and spin control (6/30/99)
• Fathers Day Raincheck
Never mind the necktie, just gimme the day off. (6/24/99)
• Approval Ratings
Homedaddy vows to rally after slipping in the polls. (6/16/99)
• Curious George Revisited
Some of the classics of children's literature are really warped. (6/9/99)
• A Game of Cat and Mouse
Real kitties are sweet and cuddly and fluffy and violent. (6/2/99)
• An In-Tents Weekend
The only thing loonier than having a baby is taking her camping. (5/27/99)
• Teething
Just what every baby needs - another reason to start crying. (5/18/99)
• Guide To Mothers Day
Being a Homedaddy doesn't excuse you from having to grovel on Mothers Day. (5/12/99)
• A Very Good Year
What, she's already a year old? (4/26/99)
• Childcare... The C-Word
Even the toughest Homedaddy needs a little backup. (4/15/99)
• The Old Bawl Game
Umpiring a Little League game is hard enough without being heckled by a hungry infant. (3/30/99)
• Travels With Baby
To the airlines, your bundle of joy is just another piece of carry-on luggage. (3/17/99)
• Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible
Housework rears its ugly head. (3/10/99)
• Breakfast In Short Order
Get in there and rattle those pots and pans. (3/3/99)
• Sleeping Like A Baby
Homedaddy's entire reality revolves around nap time. (2/17/99)
• The 4-Second Window
Never underestimate an infant's ability to create danger. (2/3/99)
• S'not For Everyone
An infant with a bad cold is a pathetic creature. (1/28/99)
• Legends of the Workplace
Now that I quit my job, there are a few things I'd like to get of my chest. (12/9/98)
• Bjorn In The USA
My fancy imported baby carrier has a serious design flaw. (11/25/98)
• Wives Tales
Fear of illness can make you sick. (11/11/98)
• Newborn Tips
Now that I know everything 'bout birth 'n babies (10/27/98)
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