a feline adventure with a cast of thousands.
It’s been a tough week for Corndog the Wonder Kitten. He was doing a fine job of tolerating the normal tribulations of early feline development: Slamming headfirst into the wall after diving at the drapes; slamming headfirst into the TV set after lunging at the baseball game, and enduring numerous face-shots from the spray bottle that serves as our Dinner Table First Strike Kitten Deterrent (available soon through the Homedaddy Online Store®).
He started taking his lumps literally, in the form of an insect bite on his chest that swelled to the size of a golf ball before I’d admit that perhaps something might be happening.
Differences between the veterinarian’s office and the pediatrician extend far beyond the absence of Highlights Magazine in the waiting room. At the vet, waiting times are much shorter, the staff is much friendlier, and the doctors seem to enjoy their work. Otherwise, the prices are comparable.
Luckily, we signed on for the special "Kitten Package" when we adopted Merle and Corndog, so all routine exams are covered in the first year. Oddly enough, this does not include spaying and neutering, which is socially mandatory for all cat owners except professional breeders. Apparently, when you tack on those extra few hundred, it makes the price of the Kitten Package seem a bit bloated.
The Kitten Package is cheap; kitten package removal is another thing.
Corndog’s infected bug bite was no big deal except for the liquid antibiotic, which needed to be squirted down his gullet twice a day. When will they learn to make the stuff taste like giblets?
The worst part of the visit was the dreaded FRT, or Feline Rectal Thermometer. The procedure didn’t much agree with Corndog, which doesn’t put him in a very elite category. He may have nine lives, but apparently his one measly backside is supposed to last for all of them.
It reminds me of the time that Emma (then about 3) accompanied me to the vet with Wilson the Giant Black Lab. Emma was keenly interested in all aspects of animal medical care, especially anything that had to do with shots, danger, or pain. When it came time to take Wilson’s temperature, Emma ignored all suggestions to skip this part and positioned herself for a good look. The technician, a shy young woman, looked at me quizzically as if to say, "You gonna allow this?" I shrugged my best "Kids, whattaya gonna do?" gesture, then glanced at my watch and cleared my throat to tell her to quit playing for time.
With Emma kneeling at ground zero with her eyes bugging out, the technician followed normal procedure, which caused Wilson’s hind legs to buckle slightly. Then followed the customary uncomfortable silence while we all waited for the mercury to rise (note to self: invent a word for this… similar to the word for Elevator Silence). Just when you could hear a pin drop, Emma, for some reason, breathlessly exclaimed "Oooh, baby!" I don’t know why. She had never said it before, and hasn’t since. I think it was a mistake; clearly her intent was to express some variation of "wow."
Judging from her blush, the technician appeared to be badly shaken. I tried to shrug it off but it was no good; we had worn out our welcome. To this day she keeps her distance. We’ve been branded as That Weird Family.
But I digress…
Once home, things resumed their normal pattern for about ten minutes until Corndog tried to shoot the gap through the kitchen door. I was carrying an over-loaded laundry basket, hopping on one foot while trying to slam the door shut with the other. I hear the door make a sort of crunchy, grinding sound, and looked behind me to see Corndog on the back porch, shaking his left front paw like B.B. King applying his famous vibrato.
Corndog is not a fussy cat, so he carried on pretty much as usual, but when the limp didn’t go away after a couple of days it was back to the vet. He got that look of Old Testament fear in his eye when we arrived, but I swore there’d be no thermometer this time.
Instead, there were X-rays which, naturally, are not covered under the Kitten Package. The Kitten Package only waives the cover charge; after that there’s a Two X-ray minimum. Oh yeah, plus the cast on his leg. Judging from the price, it’s not very easy to put a cast on a cat’s leg.
Now instead of the pitter patter of little kitty paws in our house, it’s pitter pitter CLUMP, pitter pitter CLUMP. His middle toe, it turns out, was not broken but merely dislocated. The cast stays on for three weeks.
It wouldn’t be real life without additional complicating factors: Since we were slated to drive south on a trip to LA the next day, I hastily arranged for a house-and-pet-sitter, then performed my usual shovel-everything-into-the-largest-duffel-bags-known-to-man packing technique.
Thankfully, the trip was uneventful. We were relaxed enough that we didn’t even bother calling to check up on the house sitter until the day before our return, when he informed us that Corndog was missing, cast and all.
The toughest part was hiding this fact from Emma, who was frequently wondering out loud how her kitties were doing without her. It also neutralized one of our tantrum control tools during the drive home, which is to calm the children down by reminding them that pretty soon, they will be cuddling their kittens again. We didn’t want to build it up, only to blindside them with horrible news later. Corndog was giving up a lot of speed and mobility with that cast on his leg. Just enough, I thought to myself, to be a sitting duck on our busy street.
We didn’t get home till after midnight, and Emma was still awake despite our trying every trick in the book. Luckily she was too groggy to remember to ask for Corndog. We kept the lights low and let her fall asleep petting Corndog’s sister Merle.
As soon as the animal shelter opened the next morning, Julia drove out there and discovered that indeed Corndog had been found hanging around outside the corner mini-mart. Since he doesn’t wear a collar, it was lucky he had a cast on his leg. A rather unusual accessory for a stray. They took him home and played with him for three days till we came to claim him. He had chewed his cast off at some point but was otherwise none the worse for the wear and tear.
Corndog’s wanderlust once again raised the question of his "Kitten Package" and the date of his neutering, since it is believed that males tend to stick around the house after "the change." Probably because they spend all their time searching the premises for their misplaced units ("That’s funny, I usually keep ‘em hanging next to the back door… they were here yesterday… oh well, guess I’ll have something to eat...").
Kind of like a Homedaddy looking for the car keys, but more expensive. Not to mention the cost of a new cast. The dollars are adding up. If he chews off any more of them, it’ll be a cast of thousands.
Copyright 1998-2001 by Todd Pinksy. All rights reserved. Reproduced by permission.
Homedaddy® is a registered trademark.
About Todd Pinsky:
Before writing Homedaddy, Todd Pinsky, author of Homedaddy: Little While Lies & Other Tales from the Crib, (Push Pull Press, $13.95) worked in film and television production, owned a catering business and coached Little League baseball… but not simultaneously. He lives in Santa Cruz, California, with his wife and their two young daughters. Email is welcome at todd@homedaddy.com
• Corn Dog Gets Battered
a feline adventure with a cast of thousands. (7/23/02)
• Just Jump Right In
Another busy week in the news. (7/16/02)
• The Return of Homedaddy
I wasn't loafing. I was brainstorming. (7/8/02)
• Pediatrician Expedition
You could die of old age in the waiting room. (1/15/02)
• The Vasectomy
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• Siblings Who Love Too Much
You might not always hurt the one you love, but you can try. (11/7/01)
• Down In The Mouth
All the world's an oral stage (10/21/01)
• The Cat's Meow
At least she isn't asking for a pony. Yet. (10/10/01)
• Stranger In A Strange Land
Muzak, terror, and little girls' underwear. (9/30/01)
• Dark Day Behind, Dark Days Ahead
Terrorists blow up the World Trade Center while my children listen to Raffi in the next room. (9/15/01)
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Eye surgery on babies is really OK, if you just don't think about it too hard. (8/30/01)
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Homedaddy looks to the corporate world for morale-boosting techniques. (8/25/01)
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Now I need a vacation from our vacation. (8/10/01)
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Your weapons are useless. (7/16/01)
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I'm too old for these all-nighters. (6/28/01)
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Back injuries are genetic. You get them from your children. (6/25/01)
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The library is a Homedaddy's safe haven. Just don't wear it out. (6/18/01)
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Just because you know a lot of words doesn't mean you know what's going on. (6/11/01)
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I am not giving up on Nap Time without a fight. (6/4/01)
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Social protocol for the three-and-under crowd. (5/28/01)
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Help your children learn to manipulate reality for personal gain. (5/21/01)
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Brainwashing our children to become productive members of society. (5/14/01)
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Homedaddy uncovers the dark side of competetive Performance Washing. (5/7/01)
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Hot-rodded washing machines is the latest craze among America's Homedaddies. (4/26/01)
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Homedaddy's heroics go unrewarded. Just another day on the job. (4/23/01)
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Party etiquette for the three-and-under crowd. (3/29/01)
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Enveloped by the Newborn Love Cloud. (3/15/01)
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Nothing strikes fear into Homedaady's heart like the prospect of giving up naps. (2/27/01)
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Poop happens. (2/22/01)
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The toddler work-out regimen. (2/12/01)
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You better smile when you talk about Barbie - just not too much. (2/5/01)
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Responsible culling practices for successful stuffed animal husbandry. (1/27/01)
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Face it, if these people were any smarter, they wouldn't be working in this department store. (1/23/01)
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A trip to the pediatrician is enough to make you sick. (1/16/01)
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Back to square one for sleeping arrangements. (1/3/01)
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Our new daughter makes her debut. (12/27/00)
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Stand by, she's ready to blow any minute! (12/20/00)
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OK it's true, we're having a second child. (12/3/00)
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For the record: I hate Babaar. (11/29/00)
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Eventually, you need a better answer than "Because I said so." (11/22/00)
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Revolutionary decision-making process has limitations. (11/15/00)
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Accidents can happen. Sometimes being prepared isn't enough. (11/08/00)
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No way around it, I am turning into an old fart. (11/1/00)
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It's not a bribe, it's a contribution to your child's happiness. (10/25/00)
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More advice for toddlers with mixed-up parents. (10/18/00)
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Toddlers enter the Litigation Age. (10/11/00)
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Mental development comes at a price. (9/28/00)
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Life was so absurd without them, it was almost like having them here. (9/7/00)
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The first advice column for the chronologically challenged. (8/23/00)
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Barney's days are numbered. Hopefully. (8/16/00)
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Discipline on the temporal plane. (8/9/00)
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Customize your sippy cup for optimum performance. (8/2/00)
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Just getting them to bed requires an extensive game plan. (7/19/00)
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What our dog lacks in brains he makes up for in heft. (7/12/00)
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I'd rather be lucky than good. (6/28/00)
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I'm glad someone's buying retail. It keeps the thrift store stocked. (5/3/00)
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I'll do anything to avoid housework. (3/15/00)
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The ultimate Homedaddy accessory. (3/9/00)
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Toddlers are brutal negotiators. (2/16/00)
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Ride it out, just ride it out. (1/27/00)
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Early verbal communication is fraught with peril. (1/11/00)
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Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. (12/15/99)
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So you think you got what it takes? (11/16/99)
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Taking Little Ones to a restaurant is more work than staying home and cooking. (11/03/99)
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You'll only be able to choose costumes for them for a couple of years. Knock yourself out. (10/27/99)
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You always hurt the one you love. Or so it seems. (10/14/99)
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An infantile sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste. (10/13/99)
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Whatever it takes, just get em to sleep. (9/29/99)
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Once sweets are introduced, it's a slippery slope. (9/15/99)
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A suicide mission to the Toy Store so powerful that I dare not utter its name for fear of litigation. (9/8/99)
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If you have to attend a kiddie sing-along, find one that rocks. (9/1/99)
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Your baby does not want a manicure. (8/25/99)
• Laundry Blues
No wonder women have hated it all these years. (8/18/99)
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• Baby's First Word
Don't get too excited. There's plenty more where that came from. (8/4/99)
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Do what you gotta do to keep comfortable on planes. (7/22/99)
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I live for coffee. (7/7/99)
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Lies, innuendo, heresay, and spin control (6/30/99)
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Never mind the necktie, just gimme the day off. (6/24/99)
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Homedaddy vows to rally after slipping in the polls. (6/16/99)
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Real kitties are sweet and cuddly and fluffy and violent. (6/2/99)
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The only thing loonier than having a baby is taking her camping. (5/27/99)
• Teething
Just what every baby needs - another reason to start crying. (5/18/99)
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Being a Homedaddy doesn't excuse you from having to grovel on Mothers Day. (5/12/99)
• A Very Good Year
What, she's already a year old? (4/26/99)
• Childcare... The C-Word
Even the toughest Homedaddy needs a little backup. (4/15/99)
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To the airlines, your bundle of joy is just another piece of carry-on luggage. (3/17/99)
• Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible
Housework rears its ugly head. (3/10/99)
• Breakfast In Short Order
Get in there and rattle those pots and pans. (3/3/99)
• Sleeping Like A Baby
Homedaddy's entire reality revolves around nap time. (2/17/99)
• The 4-Second Window
Never underestimate an infant's ability to create danger. (2/3/99)
• S'not For Everyone
An infant with a bad cold is a pathetic creature. (1/28/99)
• Legends of the Workplace
Now that I quit my job, there are a few things I'd like to get of my chest. (12/9/98)
• Bjorn In The USA
My fancy imported baby carrier has a serious design flaw. (11/25/98)
• Wives Tales
Fear of illness can make you sick. (11/11/98)
• Newborn Tips
Now that I know everything 'bout birth 'n babies (10/27/98)
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