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danolie
USA
115 Posts
Baby Arrived on 7/22/2006 |
 Posted - 03/20/2006 : 17:01:55
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*DISCLAIMER: I did not write this (I only wish I were so funny)... a friend (great guy, great husband and father of 4) just wrote it and sent it to me for a laugh. Take it in the spirit in which it was written... just for a laugh or two...
read on... and laugh silently so she doesn't ask what is so funny.... otherwise you'll have to try hard to explain this is NOT really what you think :-)
1. Though pregnancy is MUCH harder on the man than the woman, it is not considered wise to say this aloud, particularly to a woman, particularly to a pregnant woman.
2. From time to time you will be asked, "Am I still attractive" by the pregnant female. The safest thing to do is think back on a time when she WAS attractive, think of your unborn child and the affect divorce will have on her, and though your parents told you never to do this, LIE YOUR ASS OFF.
(Be careful not to add anything to the lie except "Yes, you are very attractive". Woman in a pregnant state seem to develop a keen sense of when a male is bending the truth, so generally the less said, the better off you
are.)
3. Never, under any circumstances, even remotely suggest another
woman is even faintly attractive while your wife is pregnant. Apparently pregnant woman have a secret society with rituals, handshakes, glances and covert communications between themselves where they are taught to "suss out" deceptions; in this vein they will try to trip you up and may even casually say something like, "Boy that Betty Smiser sure looks pretty in that dress doesn't she?"
Whatever you do, DO NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION IN THE AFFIRMATIVE!! The punishment you receive will be horrible, long lasting and severe unless you say, "No she looks average to me. I am so lucky that someone as beautiful as yourself has condescended to love me that it is impossible for me to think any one is attractive except you."
4. There will come a time, and most likely many, many times, when you will see this person that you love, whose mind and also body drive you crazy with love and lust, naked. Do to her state of pregnancy she will appear somewhat deformed to you, much like a boa who has just swallowed a Vietnamese Pot Bellied Pig; be aware...Don't wince! Don't close your eyes, don't gasp for air and whatever you do, (take my advice from personal experience) do not say "Oh My God..What the F@#$ is that!!! If you do, even though I maintain it is a natural reflexive action like gagging when Boys to Men songs come on the radio, you will suffer a painful and humiliating torture and possibly have to have a chat with your in-laws about why you are a bad person. Just smile and think, hard, about something/someone else.
5. No matter what you do, it will be wrong. Resign yourself to this immutable fact and you will at least be able to relax a little during this stressful time in your life. Also, develop an ability to come up with a plan B; for example if she says "I want some chicken" at 2:am, know in advance that you will get the wrong thing when you go get the food for her. So, pick up fried chicken, baked chicken, white meat, dark meat etc. It will cost you $84.39 cents but at least you will only have to make one trip and can then get some much needed sleep.
6. If you are in the birthing room, you will notice that hospitals try to make them "homey" to add to the comfort for the woman in labor. For the woman in labor. For the woman in labor. The comfort is not for you, so asking to turn on the tv to a ball game is unwise, ( more personal experience) or for a drink, another chair or to lie down. Your sole job in that room is to feed her ice, count to ten (keep it in English as changing the count to say, Spanish or Latin will infuriate people (once again, learn from my mistakes), and be a verbal punching bag.
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[URL="http://fathersite.blogspot.com"]A Pregnant Guy Blog[/URL] | [URL="http://www.frappr.com/dadmap"]Dad Map[/URL] |
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want2besuperdad
USA
11 Posts
Baby Arrived on 2/7/2009 |
Posted - 05/08/2009 : 07:24:54
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Wow!! I dont think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. Sad thing is as funny as this is its not far from the truth I imagin. I am so going to email that to a friend of mine.
God bless us all,
Jeffrey
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DadofTwo
United Kingdom
128 Posts
Baby Arrived on 9/30/1980 |
Posted - 05/12/2009 : 15:22:10
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| Sad but true. It's funny but some part are pretty mean.
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Expecting Dad Humor
