A while back, my three-year-old son and I
settled in for the last stage of his good night
routine. It had been a good day for him, he'd
been very active and had spent a great deal of
time in the sand and water.
Right now he was tired, and I was as well. We lay
down together in his little bed and after a few
moments he said, "Daddy, when I get big can I live
with you?" I assured him he could live with me any
time he wanted to.
A moment later he said, "Dad, when you die you're
going to feel something on your face and it will
be me touching your face." Then he added, "I will
kiss you on your cheek." He moved over, kissed me
lightly on the cheek and cuddled in next to me.
I was aware of tears suddenly welling up in my
eyes and rolling down my cheeks. I was also aware
that I didn't want to have to explain why I was
crying; as I opened my eyes to look at my son, I
noticed he was fast asleep.
I spent some time just looking at him, savoring
the moment and wondering about the depth of the
reaction I'd just had. It occurred to me later
that I didn't remember having many of these kinds
of tender moments with my own father.
I felt both happy for a chance to experience it with my
son, and saddened that I didn't remember more of them
with my own father.
It also occurred to me that this was a time in our
lives that would be extremely short-lived. This
time of innocence, and the magical moments that
make up a three-year-old's life, would soon be
gone forever.
What will remain, however, will be my memory of
this moment that we had together. It was a moment
that made all of the difficult work of being a
father worthwhile.
Being a committed father can at times feel like an
incredibly thankless and unending job. It can feel
like you're no more than the janitor, chauffeur,
and handyman in the house where you live. And then
you will have "a moment." A moment like this in
which your child expresses absolute, pure, and
unconditional love for you.
When your kids have left home and you look back at
these years, it will be what you have left-all of these
memories strung together to make up the recollections
of their lives with you.
As we collect these important memories, it seems
worthwhile to consider how you remember
them--both for yourself and for your children.
Here are some ideas:
Write a letter to each of your children, in
which you remember the experiences you had with
them and also some reflections on what you were
experiencing while they grew up. It can be a
valuable way to remember these experiences, and
also a wonderful gift to your children when they
get older.
Regularly tell your children about some of the
most memorable times you've had with them and some
of the entertaining/funny things that they said or
did. Kids love to hear stories about themselves
from their dad or mom, so have a boatload of them
on hand.
Form rituals around your children whenever
possible, whether it's for some event in their
life or a changing of the season. Using rituals
will be a great way for all of you to remember
these things and to make them more meaningful.
Start your own parenting journal in which you
chronicle the joys and struggles of being a
father. It will not only give you a priceless
piece of reading years down the road, but will
help you to better understand yourself as you
reflect on your own joys and struggles.
Encourage your children to start their own
journal when they're old enough. This is a great
way for your kids to help themselves process their
own feelings. They'll be more likely to do it if
they see you're doing it as well.
It seems that most parents lament the speed at
which their kids grow up and leave the house.
There will be a time, soon after your kids
leave home, when all you'll be able to "hold" is
your memories of them.
May you find a way to hold them that honors the
precious times.
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