We're sitting at the breakfast table, and we're in a
hurry. The kids were slow to get dressed for school
this morning, and we needed to get out the door soon.
"Clank!" My five-year-old son spills his glass of milk
all over the table and the floor. He and my daughter
become statues as they gaze at the mess. I feel my mind
begin to race and an urge to raise my voice.
And then, I remember to take a breath. "What do you
need to do, buddy?" My son jumps out of his seat and
gets a towel to wipe up the mess. I'm able to avoid
critical comments, and he's able to feel better after
cleaning up. Yet I know it was a close call. It was
another incident that might easily have gone a
different direction, a direction that could cost my son
dearly in terms of esteem and confidence.
One of the most difficult parts of being a father is
learning to accept your children's mistakes. It's easy
to be loving, supportive, and helpful when your kids
are mistake-free, but most fathers who pay attention
don't find too many mistake-free periods of their kids
lives.
Let's be clear about this. Kids don't enjoy making
mistakes. They usually try to do their best; but
they're doing their best considering the resources they
have at the time. Sometimes they're tired, sometimes
they're easily distracted, and sometimes they're
strong-willed, but they generally do the best they can.
Making mistakes is simply one of the ways that kids
learn about the world!
When our kids make mistakes, we have choices to make.
Fathers can either make choices that help create kids
who are defensive and who lie to them, or they can make
choices that help create kids who learn from their
mistakes and improve on them.
Kids who fear punishment or the loss of love in response
to their mistakes learn to hide their mistakes. These
children live in two different places--one where they
have the love and support of their father (parents),
and one where they feel that if their mistakes were
discovered, they'd be undeserving of that love. It's
hard for these kids to fully accept their parents' love
and support even when it's expressed. It's also difficult
for these kids to set high standards for themselves,
because they tend to be fearful of failing.
In short, these kids have learned the painful feelings
of shame. They weren't born with these feelings- they
learn them.
Here are some ideas for fathers who are committed to
helping create kids who can learn from their mistakes,
and who aren't afraid of making a few:
Absolutely accept the notion that your kids are doing
their best, and that they'll learn faster from their
mistakes if they're in an environment that accepts
mistakes.
Understand that your difficulty with your kids'
mistakes is in fact a reflection of your own esteem; be
aware of this and deal with your own issues first.
Know the shaming messages that you give to your
kids--messages that do a lot of damage. Here's a few of
them:
-How could you have done that?
-You don't listen to me!
-You can do better than that!
-What's the matter with you?
Keep providing your kids with learning experiences,
but at the same time structure their environment so
they can't make too many mistakes (don't have expensive
glassware around the house where children play).
Provide a great model for your children by the way
you react to making mistakes: do you get defensive and
stretch the truth, or do you own the mistake and learn
something from it? Create a culture that's based on
learning from mistakes.
Shame and judgment don't need to be family values in
your home. Before you shame your kids, reflect back on
your own mistakes.
Unless, of course, you haven't made any.
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