This year, it’s going to be different. Like many
fathers, I’ve felt a bit disconnected from the
holiday season. It’s not that I don’t buy my
presents and help with decorations. And it’s not
that I don’t spend some wonderful time with my
kids. It’s something deeper than that.
My eight-year-old daughter ran up to me the other
day with great excitement and anticipation. “This
Christmas is going to be the best ever!’ she
shouted. I marveled at her excitement, and I
wished I could match her enthusiasm. She’d already
found the spirit of the holidays, while I was
mired in “things that I must to do.” The list was
long. This holiday season, I’d be buying presents,
coordinating family visits, updating lists and
writing cards, doing decorations outside the house
and in, volunteering, running a business, etc.,
etc.
There are times when it all seems like too much.
Fathers (and males in general) have a tendency to
focus on goals. Rather than looking at the “big
picture” of the holidays, we break things down
into “what tasks need to be accomplished.” When
one task is done, we move on to the next. And
while this style does get some things
accomplished, it reduces our capacity to capture
the “spirit” of the holidays. The result is that
many fathers have a sense of being on the
“periphery” of their families during the holidays.
The tasks are done, but the spirit isn’t captured.
This scenario mirrors what happens to many fathers
in their families—they feel outside of the
“emotional core” of the family, and aren’t able to
experience the depth of warmth, closeness, and
love they want. They don’t have the skills of
“emotional intelligence” that women have been
learning from a very early age. And this dilemma
is further complicated by the fact that fathers
are working longer hours than ever before.
According to the International Labor Organization,
Americans work 1,978 hours per year, or a full
nine weeks more that the average Western European.
Thirty-eight percent of fathers reported that they
usually worked fifty or more hours per week.
It’s easy to see why fathers can have a difficult
time capturing the spirit of the holidays.
And while this may be a challenging dilemma for
fathers, there are a number of things that fathers
can do to enrich their experience this holiday
season:
Shift your thinking away from a “things to do”
mentality to a “what does the family need this
holiday” mentality. See things with a wider lens.
Give this approach a week and see what happens.
Volunteer to help someone in need this holiday.
Take the kids and spend time enriching the life of
someone who needs it. There’s no greater way to
capture the spirit of the holidays than being of
service to others. And your kids will experience
something they’ll never forget.
Do something this holiday that you haven’t done
before. Bake some holiday cookies or create your
own cards to send out. Expanding your creative
skills can help you to “receive” the spirit of the
holidays.
Simply choose to have more joy, openness, and
spirit this holiday. After all, most of it is
choice! And, your kids are watching you very
closely!
I crept up behind my daughter and tackled her,
pinning her down onto the couch. “We’re going to
have an amazing Christmas this year, you’re
right!’ I told her. “What do you want your
Christmas to be like?” She sat up and began to
tell me all the things she wanted to do for
Christmas, and about all the presents she wanted.
I sat there with her and listened, forgetting all
of the work and the errands that had been on my
mind most of the day. She could sense that I was
right there with her as she spoke.
And as I sat there listening to her, I felt like a
spark of the holiday spirit was already on its
way.
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