Fathers are notorious for being “fixers.” When
something goes wrong or isn’t working well,
fathers want to jump in and fix it. This works
very well for sinks, but not so well for sons and
daughters. Kids who feel as though they’re being
fixed a lot tend to suffer from low self-esteem.
To be an effective father, it helps to see the
good in your kids and to keep your focus there,
not on their faults. If you think about your
child’s faults and try to fix them, you’ll end up
seeing more and more faults.
You’ll also end up further from your child.
Yet millions of fathers across this country are
trapped in the “fixing box” with their children.
They pay no heed to the parenting law of the
universe, which states, “what you think about
expands.” The more energy they produce in thinking
about their kids “problems,” the more problems
their kids produce.
This vicious cycle is not only frustrating and
damaging; it eliminates the possibility that
fathers can deliver to their kids what’s most
important.
And what’s most important is that fathers accept
their kids.
There are certainly many other important things
that a father does for his kids, but none is more
important than his acceptance. Nothing is more
important than his ability to see past the
“mistakes of childhood,” to the vast potential
that exists in his children.
One way to accomplish this is to commit to having
more positive interactions with your child—hugs,
winks, acknowledgements, etc. These kinds of
things will then expand in your child. A ratio of
five positive interactions to one negative
interaction will help ensure that your child feels
accepted and more closely connected to you.
Positive interactions might be things like hugs
and encouraging words, while negative interactions
would be criticism, a stern look, a “correction,”
or harsh words. Paying attention to this ratio
will also have you paying attention to the type of
energy that exists during your interactions. Does
your gut tell you that this interaction was
positive, or is there an uncomfortable feeling
that tells you your ego was involved?
Here are some other ways to help fathers to be
more accepting of their kids:
Take a good look at yourself. What’s all the
criticism about and why is it so easy for you to
fix your child? The chances are good that your own
esteem issues are getting in the way. Figure out
what these are—how do they show up and in what
situations?
Plan for success with your child. Keep him/her
in situations where success is likely. Avoid
putting your child on sports teams where they’ll
be the youngest. Create projects that rely on
small steps that your child can accomplish.
Practice the comments you’ll use when your kids
make mistakes, and pay close attention to how
positively you react. “Hmm, what happened there?”
or “That can be pretty hard to do, I’ll help you
clean it up” might be appropriate comments to your
child after a mistake.
Tell them about how you accept them. Some
fathers take it for granted that their kids know
they accept them; don’t make this mistake! Tell
them, “I feel really lucky to be your dad.” Let
them know specifically what you appreciate about
them.
Your most important job as a father is to accept
your kids. It’s to be gentle with the inevitable
“mistakes of childhood.”
Is your ratio of positive to negative interactions
close to five to one? Do you want your child to
become a young adult who’s secure, confident, and
happy?
Much of it’s in your hands.
About the Author