It was a time each night that I cherish.
It was bedtime. I snuggled in behind my six-year-old
son, to spend some time chatting before he went to
sleep. As I pulled him closer to me, I could smell
his sweet breath and his freshly washed hair.
During these moments, I felt closer to my son than
at any other time. It was a time to share thoughts
and the experiences of the day. Bedtime was when
Michael talked more openly, and this night was no
exception.
“Dad, you’re so mean,” he said. “You’re always
telling me not to do stuff, and you never tell
Sarah. You like her better!”
I groped at the dagger in my heart. And as I did,
I was aware of the two feelings I held
simultaneously. The first one was guilt. I had
lost my patience with Michael a couple of times
during the day, and I had set boundaries that I
needed to enforce. Had I been too strict with him?
Could I have done it differently?
Is there heartbreak as great as the feeling
you’re not being the father you could be?
The other feeling I experienced, welling up deep
inside me, was anger. “How dare you question what
I do, after all I’ve done for you?” Neither
feeling was very helpful, so I tried a different
direction. I calmed myself with a deep breath and
plunged ahead. “What is it that makes you think
I’m so mean?” I asked.
“You just are making me do stuff I don’t want all
the time!” he said.
“I’m sorry you feel that it’s mean, Michael.”
There was a pause, and he muttered something else.
I saw my opportunity. “You know, Michael, what you
really ought to be concerned about is the spiders
in your bed.” As I said this, I ran my fingers up
his legs and back. He howled in laughter. A few
moments later, he was chatting about what he was
doing in school.
The “dark side” of our evening was over.
It’s likely that your kids will regularly harbor
angry feelings toward you. They’ll bring you face
to face with guilt, shame, and anger from an
earlier phase of your life. What can you do with
these feelings?
The first thing to do with them is to take comfort
in the fact that you’re probably doing a good job
as a parent. Show me a child who never complains
about his parents being mean, and I’ll show you a
child who’s parented by a saint or spoiled rotten.
It’s an important part of your job to be “firm”
(mean) with your kids. After all, you live in a
country where over two billion dollars is spent
each year advertising to kids. There’s more to say
“no” to as a parent than ever before! And if you
can combine this firmness with love and
compassion, you have a great formula for parenting
success.
Here are some other ideas on how to handle your
child’s message that you’re “mean.”
Ask them specifically what they mean when they
say you’re being “mean” or unfair. Listen to their
response closely.
Tell them you’re sorry they think it was mean.
Don’t apologize for any of the things that
happened earlier in the day—apologize at the time
of the incident. If you apologize twice, this will
only help your child feel like a victim.
Be aware that you’ll have some feelings of guilt
or anger. Realize that these won’t be useful, and
don’t beat yourself up about your mistakes.
Give up the myth that you’ll be a perfect
parent. Kids don’t need perfect parents, just
parents that try to get better.
Michael rolled over and kissed me softly on the
cheek. “I love you, Dad.” he said.
I wondered what he’d have done if I’d been nice to
him?
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