I used to measure time in days, months, years, etc.
When I found out that my wife was pregnant, I started to think about everything in terms of trimesters. (i.e. "The baseball season is about two trimesters long.")
But now - as time has practically come to a screaming halt while we wait for the day our son is going to be born - I only think about seconds, minutes and hours.
I finally realize what the phrase "time is relative" means. It means it seems to take forever for your next relative to be born.
Whenever anyone else I ever knew was pregnant, it always seemed that the pregnancy went by pretty darn quick.
Now I know that by the time I was sure enough they were pregnant to ask them about it, they were probably only a week or so from being in labor.
This is because one of a guy's biggest fears is asking a woman when her baby is due only to be verbally assaulted when the guy finds out she just filled up at an all-you-can-eat bar.
But I have known about my wife's pregnancy for quite a while now, and personally I think it's taking way too long to come to the grand finale.
The first two trimesters of my wife's pregnancy flew by. This is probably because during most of that time my wife was asleep. She was lucky that this was her only pregnancy symptom, but it was pretty serious.
You see, we are not talking about normal sleep. This was hibernation. And I don't care what women say, we men do have sympathy symptoms of pregnancy as well. During this time I slept almost as much as she did.
When I told co-workers that I was suffering from sympathy tiredness, I didn't get any pity or understanding. I may have to start my own support group for this so all of us future fathers can get some guilt-free sleep.
People think that the father's role in pregnancy ends pretty early on, but that's not true. We are the ones who pay for the hash browns and cake ordered at midnight. We are the ones who are forced to speak to our wife's stomach so the baby will know us at least a little. So the time spent during pregnancy is difficult for both parents. Fortunately, we men can still drink beer, so I guess we have a slight advantage.
Anyway, time has now stopped.
It seems like we have been about a month away from this birth for a long time and it certainly doesn't seem like it's getting any closer.
I guess, by nature, I am not a patient person. My wife says I stare at her like a Christmas present that I want to open on Thanksgiving.
I also realize that these long nine months are much harder on my wife, but at least she can feel the little nipper kicking around every so often. I get nothing.
Some friends of ours are due about four weeks before us and they are reaching the end of their patience. In fact, just about every woman I have ever seen who starts measuring the time before the due date in hours gets that same look in her eye that says, "I am so tired of being an incubator. This thing better come out SOON!"
These friends have tried everything to bring this labor about a little sooner. She has eaten spicy foods, watched scary movies and is threatening to take up aerobics.
By far, the worst part of waiting for the baby to come is dealing with the other people.
First there are the people who have had children - and it could have happened last week or 100 years ago, because their response is always the same: advice and horror stories.
"Oh I was 14 weeks overdue and my baby weighed 50 or so pounds, but you'll do fine."
"It may seem like a long time now, but after that baby is born you won't even remember how long it was."
"I was in labor for two weeks and I never took any drugs."
Then there are the people who have never had a child before or just forget how painfully long the process appears to be.
"Isn't that baby here, YET?"
"When's the due date? … That far off? I thought you would have had it by now."
"Looks like she's ready to pop."
Just as a note of clarification, none of these comments help the time go by any faster.
In fact, I think the only thing that could help is to sleep, but neither one of us are doing any of that now thanks to our son who appears to be practicing in my wife's belly to be the first male Rockette.
And, for the record, our little dancer will be kicking out at the end of October, or 12,960 minutes and counting …
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