Babies are cute.
That's it.
They don't do anything else. That is their job: to look cute.
Oh sure, they cry and they sleep, but the most important thing they do is to be adorable. Other than that, they don't do a darn thing.
Don't get me wrong, I am not bored with my child already, but he just doesn't do ANYTHING!!
My son was born three weeks ago. The day he was born - after the nurses cleaned him up - I held him in my arms while my wife took a well-deserved nap.
I stared at this little human and he stared at me. We appraised each other for a good 30 minutes.
I looked in his eyes and thought about all the baseball games I will take him to, all the fun we'll have together and how much money he is going to cost me as he grows up.
He discovered that I am a large, furry-faced person who does not have anything to feed him and so he went to sleep.
And as I watched my first-born son sleep in my arms, I thought, "OK, now what?"
I will admit that for a moment I considered waking him up just so he might do something - anything. But I restrained myself and held him until my arm went numb.
Since that time, my son and I have spent quite a lot of time together. He stares. I stare. He cries. I hand him off to mom. It's not much of a relationship, but it seems to work for us.
Of course I love my son. But, boy am I ready for him to be able to do something. Currently the only thing I can praise him for is sleeping and not spitting up on me. About once a day, he will raise his head up - this is a major moment since the rest of the time he just sits there.
And don't get me wrong - just sitting there is fine as long as you are watching television or something, but he just sits there. At his age television is something he can interrupt by crying. He can't even tell the difference between Maryann and Ginger.
When I talk to experienced parents about their children, some say this is their favorite time - before they can walk away or talk back. This is the time before your child can run into heavy traffic chasing a ball or tell you to shovel the snow yourself.
As I look back at my own childhood, the most trouble I ever got into happened after I learned to walk and talk. In fact the only time I got in trouble that did not involve me being in the wrong place or saying the wrong thing was when I did NOT do something like taking out the garbage, cleaning up my room or scraping the peanut butter off the ceiling.
But a kid never gets in as much trouble for not doing something good as for doing something bad.
Maybe babies have the right idea. By shutting up and not moving around, they avoid a lot of problems.
Now babies can also be frustrating. They cry. They poop. They cry some more.
That's where the cute-thing comes into play. After three nights of no sleep and the kid starts crying again, it is impossible to get mad at him because he's so darn cute.
And don't tell me that babies don't know they are cute. They know to really turn on the charm after they have just messed up a diaper you spent the last 10 minutes changing.
In theory adults could learn something from babies. If there were a politician who didn't speak, he would never lose an election. If your boss wanted you to run an errand and you couldn't walk yet, you'd be free and clear.
But in the real world, adults just are not cute enough to get away with doing nothing (except, of course, your average supermodel).
Personally, I am ready for my kid to be a little less cute and a little more active. I don't expect him to start playing catch with me in the backyard anytime soon but I am ready for the day when he does more than your average paperweight.
Although he is a pretty cute paperweight.
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