As I was contemplating writing my book, I talked about it everywhere I went. When I asked people for their thoughts and opinions about the topic of being nice, I received a very consistent reaction: "If I'm nice, people will walk all over me." Being nice doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It doesn't mean speaking in a soft voice and wearing pastel colors, and it certainly doesn't mean letting people walk all over you.
Contrary to the old saying, nice guys do not finish last. You can have an opinion, and still be nice. You can tell people when they've wronged you, and still be nice. You can disagree with someone, and still be nice about it. You can "be about business" and still be nice.
Nice people get divorced, quit jobs, get fired, struggle with addictions, get traffic tickets, have bad things happen to them, and even have financial problems. Nice people can be found in many types of careers, in hundreds of different religions, in every race and color, and in every country on the planet. Nice people can be old, young, straight, gay, male, female, large, tiny, and everything in between. Unfortunately, so can mean people. So, let's make sure you can tell the difference.
A Person Who Does Nice Things Is Not Necessarily a Nice Person
Being philanthropic or doing volunteer work is not necessarily the same thing as being nice. You can be nice without volunteering at a nursing home. Conversely, you could volunteer at a nursing home and not be a nice person. Volunteer work may account for a couple of hours per month of your time, but you can be nice twenty-four hours a day. Being nice is a full-time commitment and lifestyle.
A Person Who Acts Like the Center of the Universe Is Not a Nice Person
A wonderful storyteller by the name of C. W. Metcalf shared a story about a man in the airport who was verbally abusing an airline-ticketing agent. It seems that the traveler had missed his flight due to mechanical difficulties. Apparently, the man was very loud, demonstrative, and mean to the poor ticketing agent, who obviously had no control over the plane's condition. C. W. went up to the abusive man and asked, "Can I have your autograph?" When the man, puzzled and confused, asked, "Why do you want my autograph?" C. W. responded, "Because I've never met the center of the universe before!"
Mean people oftentimes do get more attention and better service than people who are patient and nice. Someone who has the "nerve" to be aggressive and demanding somehow seems better equipped to "get the job done" or to "be about business." But when you think about the people who are aggressive, loud, and mean in order to get attention and immediate service, are they really that much further ahead? So they get up to their hotel room ten minutes faster than the hotel guest who was patient. Does that really add value to their lives?
A Person Who's Nice to You but Mean to a Waitress Is Not a Nice Person
As humor writer Dave Barry wrote in his book Dave Barry Turns 50, "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." As you consider this "being nice" thing, I'm sure you'd agree that being nice could definitely give a person the upper hand. However, there are some people who know who to be nice to in order to get what they want but forgo the practice in other situations. Being nice is about inclusiveness, not exclusiveness. You can't pick and choose to whom you are nice.
Have you ever had this experience? You meet someone new who you think is a really nice person. He or she may even display that charm and niceness for months. Then one night the two of you are out to dinner, in the middle of a lovely conversation, when the waitress makes a mistake and your date lets her have it. Suddenly, the nice guy you thought was the Gandhi of "take home to Mom" boyfriends becomes the Freddy Krueger date-from-hell. Or the Mother Teresa "this could be the one" girlfriend changes into a Mommy Dearest nightmare. What used to be beautiful, endearing, and cute about the person suddenly becomes ugly, embarrassing, and done.
If you saw yourself in any of the traits, attributes, and behaviors discussed in this article, and you discovered some areas in which you aren't nice, here's some great news: Anyone can learn to be nice…Yes, anyone.
Excerpted with permission from "Be Nice (Or Else!)," by Winn Claybaugh. Copyright 2004-2005. All rights reserved.
About Winn Claybaugh »
Winn Claybaugh, author of Be Nice (Or Else!) with foreword by CNN's Larry King, has worked in the beauty industry since 1983. He is the National Motivational Expert for John Paul Mitchell Systems and the founder of Paul Mitchell The School, with several locations throughout the U.S. Winn has helped thousands of businesses build their brands and create successful working cultures; his clients include Vidal Sassoon, the Irvine Company, Entertainment Tonight, Mattel, For Rent magazine, Structure/Limited Express, and others. In 2004, the North American Hairdressing Awards (NAHA) recognized Winn's outstanding contributions to the hair and beauty industry by naming him to their Hall of Leaders. In its November 1997 "Super Heroes" section, American Salon magazine called Winn a "mover of mountains" and "Mr. Fix-it." Winn has also served as vice president of the AIDS Relief Fund for Beauty Professionals, and he continues to pursue many fundraising projects. Visit Winn at www.BeNiceOrElse.com and sign up for the free monthly Be Nice (Or Else!) Newsletter.
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As I was contemplating writing my book, I talked about it everywhere I went. When I asked people for their thoughts and opinions about the topic of being nice, I received a very consistent reaction: "If I'm nice, people will walk all over me." Being nice doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It doesn't mean speaking in a soft voice and wearing pastel colors, and it certainly doesn't mean letting people walk all over you.