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Quarterback Dad I AM SOMEBODY! Posted: Tue, 06 May 2008 20:46:00 +0000  Man, I feel important. Since Sunday, I have been called by Hillary twice, Barack once, Bill C. once and Chelsea C. once. I realize that now all political people are stuck up. They wouldn't even answer my questions. I tried to be nice to them, but they wouldn't listen. Makeovers.... Posted: Mon, 05 May 2008 12:38:00 +0000  The little one looks at me yesterday while holding one of her dolls and says "she needs a makeover." Right then it hits me how our television watching has changed. TLC, HGTV, A&E, Discovery, and the Food Network are our only safe havens. Gone is any semblance of violence or sex.....Darn. Maybe, we ought to shoot the tv all together, we only watch it from 8-10 at night on most days anyway. Of course, I tell my wife we watch The View everyday. I am interested in one thing about the doll makeover --- What will she do with the molded plastic hair? I am Ironman....... Posted: Sat, 03 May 2008 19:37:00 +0000  Taxes, homework, deadlines, lining up gigs, potty training.... I hate when real life gets in the way of fun. I haven't blogged for a month. Kept meaning to, just didn't. No excuses (other than the ones listed above). I love superheroes. Mostly movies and an occasional cartoon. Don't read the comic books anymore since they don't cost 25 cents. I am pumped about Ironman. Been singing the Ozzy song and cheering for the trailer when it rolls on tv. Kid conversation in the car Thursday. "Does Ironman sew?", said my three year old. "What," said Mr. Clueless. "Does Ironman sew? she repeated. "Honey, I don't understand what you are asking," says Professor Potty (me). "Does he sew or just iron?", said Super Pee-Pee Girl. I almost wrecked the car in my laughter. She wanted to know what I was laughing at. I told her I just remembered a funny joke. I can't bear the thought of laughing at her. That shouldn't bother me, since some day she will be laughing at my dress socks with sneakers. Or my tube socks with the colored hula hoops around the top. Or my......... We are different..... Posted: Tue, 01 Apr 2008 13:14:00 +0000  Our little star says "But Mommy lets me." I reply sarcastically, "Do I look like Mommy?" She says, "No, she has long hair." I am glad she noticed. Being follically challenged, I am glad she gave me some credit. She could have said "No, she has hair." The Education of a Three Year Old Posted: Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:24:00 +0000  She was ready to get up from dinner. I knew this because she yelled "I am ready to get up" as Mommy and I talked about the day at the table. I sternly told her "you need to learn patience." Her answer gives me hope...... She said "I'll learn on Monday." WooHoo, only three more days till she learns patience. Super Science Thursday- Beer Streamers Posted: Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:11:00 +0000  Super Science Thursday- odd ramblings on science topics. A new topic appears every Thursday (that's why it's called SS Thursday) Where do beer streamers come from? Beer is a lovely liquid that gives many men the ability to dance, or at least try. Beer also offers several lessons in science. Pour beer into a glass and watch the bubbles form. The bubbles will form beer streamers, tiny rising rivers of bubbles that will originate from a few points inside the glass. Their mesmerizing dance as they rise to the surface captures our attention. What causes them and why do they rise? The bubbles are formed when carbon dioxide molecules begin to form invisible microbubbles at imperfections on the inside wall of the glass, or possibly at dirt particles inside the glass. Once enough of these microbubbles join forces, they will begin their hypnotic rise to the surface. These imperfections are in the glass are called nucleation points. The bubbles actually grow in size as they rise since the pressure from the liquid decreases. And of course, the bubbles rise because they are gas, which is less dense than the liquid. The same observation can be seen in champagne and clear sodas. The formation of these bubbles is similar to clouds forming by water vapor condensing around dust particles. An interesting note, beer bubbles rise slower than champagne bubbles. This was first studied by Leonardo DaVinci in the 1600’s as he studied bubbles rising in various liquids. The streams of bubbles will cease when the beer becomes flat. The study of beer bubbles would be a perfectly reasonable graduate school topic. I mean if DaVinci could get away with it, we ought to be able to. You could even get a PhD in Physics someday by studying rising beer bubbles. You can even see a rarer phenomenon, falling bubbles of beer, if you drink enough…… Another candle....... Posted: Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:58:00 +0000  A year older as of yesterday for me. Too many candles to be safely lit except in the parking lot of a fire department. Even then they would need a pump truck at the ready. The problem is that I don't feel old and have to do simple math to calculate my age. As you age your ideas of fun change. A raucous party, no. Too many beers and a pounding head, no. Full contact mixed martial arts with the boys, no. Three hours of loving, touching, squeezing, no. Birthday at my age........ A family trip to Horton Hears a Who. The advantage to being my age and watching the movie is I know all the words to 'I can't fight that feeling.' Movie question..... Who has a bladder large enough to hold an entire 300 ounce large soda? Are 300 ounce sodas part of a sinister movie plot to get you to see the movie twice. I just know that I am going to have to pee at the crucial plot twist. SST- Ear and Nose Hair for Men Posted: Thu, 20 Mar 2008 10:23:00 +0000  Super Science Thursday. A new feature will be the SST. A question followed by the best science answers known to mankind. And if I can't find a good answer, I'll just make one up. A new topic will appear each Thursday. For men-----Why hair will eventually grow out of your nose and ears? Well actually hair has been in those places all along. Nose hair serves as a filter for the air we breathe in. In a dust storm, we could easily close our mouths. But closing your nostrils is downright hard. So nature built in a little air filter. Ear hair also is designed to keep junk out of the ear canal. Most men just realize that their head holes will become full of hair as they age. We pluck, we trim, we cut, we tweeze, and it just keeps growing back. You can have permanent hair removal done, but most guys won’t. The amount of medical research into ear and nose hair is surprisingly scant, so I’ll just give you my two theories. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with….. First theory, the adult body has a certain amount of hair follicles for its entire life. As you age, follicles migrate. Some inner working of the body causes you to lose hair on the top of your head and gravity causes it to migrate south. As it migrates south, it ‘vacations’ in warm, moist places like the nose and the ears. This is similar to going to the beach when you were younger, a wet, warm place to hang out. So the nose and ear are like going to the French Riviera for hair follicles. Only the lucky follicles get to hang out at the beach, until they get attacked by a giant weed eater called a nose hair trimmer. The problem with this theory is that the hair follicles also migrate to your back, which would be more like the dessert. Of course in the US, many old people move to Arizona, Vegas, and Palm Springs. So maybe the hair follicle migration theory makes sense. Second theory, warm moist areas grow hair better. The nose and the ear are both, so they make fertile area for growing hair. Most plants grow best in warm moist areas, so this makes sense. You can think of back hair as cacti and aloe plants. The warm moist theory postulates hair will always grow in the nose and ears, it just becomes noticeable as we age. It was always present, but our thick head of high school hair distracted people away from focusing on it. Each day our head gets baked in the sun and dries out a little. The warm moist hair just keeps growing along. As we lose hair on our scalp, the hair growing from the nose and ear becomes noticeable. By mid-life, it is far more noticeable because of less competition. The actual reason of shifting hormone levels isn’t nearly as much fun as making up theories. Any professional research scientist reading this might want to consider writing a grant to study this offensive hair. You can start with my two theories. Until then, I’ll be tweezing away on the forest of hair growing from each nostril. Some people tweeze, cut, or use miniature weed eaters to attack the hair. A few just let it grow. My grandfather was comfortable enough in himself to just let it go. You reach an age where holding your water till you reach the bathroom is far more important than trimming unsightly hair. Younger people letting it grow can be thought of as ‘nose hair hippies.’ iTunes...... Posted: Tue, 18 Mar 2008 23:26:00 +0000  The best commercial on tv right now is the Viagra commercial filmed in Nashville at 1:22 AM. It makes me laugh, is believable and has a catchy song. Viva Viagra, Viva Viagra.......... The catchy song got stuck in my head and I like to sing out loud. I suck, but I still sing. Yesterday, Nicole pipes up with her rendition of the song as we are driving somewhere. Not good. Not good at all. I can just imagine her busting loose with that song somewhere to embarrass me. I need to find a new song. Any ideas? On a related note, why do the words erectile dysfunction make most guys laugh? Actually some laugh....and some are taking a pill. Ready or Not....... Posted: Mon, 17 Mar 2008 09:33:00 +0000  Nicole has really gotten into hide and seek lately. Several times a day we have to play for ten minutes. She covers her eyes and starts counting. The trick is you never know what number she will stop on. Sometimes she only gets to three before she is off to find me. Last night was even funnier. She played with a giant stuffed Pooh. She would hide Pooh around a corner then return to the room. She covers her eyes and counts away. She would then search for Pooh. Shocking fact is she always found him. My daughter is a genius. I can't wait till she starts playing tag by herself. V-8 causes hair to grow? Posted: Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:00:00 +0000  My wife loves V-8. I can't stand the stuff. Makes me want to scratch my eyes out and I don't have fingernails. My daughter is taking after her mom. I now treat V-8 like desert. You can have some after you finish your peas...............it's still working. I do wonder if it will still work when she goes to school. Some evil kid is going to break the news to her. Santa and V-8 tasting good will be history. Yesterday while watching Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones, my darling piped up with 'Obi-Wan has hair just like Mommy has'. He does have a full head of hair. To me, it looks like a white Oprah hairdo in the movie. The Star Wars movies are actually very kid friendly except for Revenge of the Sith. It is too dark for a kid. Bumper sticker I spotted recently Come over to the dark side..... We have cookies! First Dates!!!!!!!! Posted: Thu, 06 Mar 2008 13:01:00 +0000  I fear the day that my daughter starts dating........ At two and a half, I had my first real scare. We were out to eat at that four star kid’s restaurant McDonalds, when she looked across the aisle at a little blonde four year old boy. The next words to escape her lips will haunt me for life—‘he’s cute’. My life flashed before my eyes as I instantly saw her grow up. Images of a sixteen year old boy trying to unhook her bra scared me. I decided at that point that she was never going on a date without me. We’ll double date with her until she is thirty. The problem with that theory is that means she will probably live home forever. A conversation started with the four year-old’s dad over the next thirty minutes. We might be the only people under the age of sixty to ever spend that much time in Mickey D’s. The two kids played together on the play equipment and had a great time. Nicole was chuckling at everything Logan said. My god, she was flirting with him. Do some women leave the womb with the ability to flirt? HELP. We had a lot in common with the parents and set up an adult triple date. I realize now we are enabling her. The six of us went out for pizza later that week. I swear my little girl was asking Mommy for makeup as we dressed. The courtship started as soon as Logan showed up. Nicole looked at him but wouldn’t say a word. He was crushed. He did everything to get her to talk. Not a word. She was playing hard to get!! I don’t understand women, matter of fact, no guys I know understand women. After having a daughter, I realize that women are just born different. Not just the equipment is different, but their brain is different. Women have the innate ability to reel us into their clutches. Nicole was a spider and Logan was the fly. At least that is the way it started. That all changed later that night. We went back to our house. A house is no longer the appropriate term; we went back to our 2600 square foot toy box. Logan and Nicole played together and were having a great time. I better get used to this, since we will go on all dates with her. A grand time was had by all until Logan said the words that have haunted my dreams ever since. Logan said “I want to take you somewhere you have never been.” My god, I used those same words at my prom to entice an unsuspecting fly into my web. Rainy days and toy-nadoes Posted: Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:21:00 +0000  Rain sucks, unless you are a duck, or a plant, or a fish, or a carpenter (you get the day off), or a gutter salesman, or an umbrella salesman, or Noah, or a....... Okay, I give up. Rain doesn't suck after all. Being stuck inside all day has caused my living room to get hit by a toy-nado (Thanks for the name Jared (Dadthing)). A whirling, spinning, Tasmanian Devil that I call my daughter. She can absolutely destroy our house in a manner of minutes. I think she will make a good building imploder when she gets older. I beg my relatives and friends....no more stuff for her toy kitchen. I know the super cute 110 piece package of kitchen goodies looks like a great gift on the shelf. But after I step on 104 pieces in my bare feet, the goodies look like hell and my feet hurt. I almost dread the day when she gets into Legos..... When I was a kid, Legos came in five varieties and you had to use some imagination. Legos come in 12,245,764 different shapes now. You just follow the directions now and build everything. If you don't believe me on the number of different pieces, go to Toys r Us and look at all the kits and add up the toy pieces. Another snot jingle! Posted: Sun, 02 Mar 2008 00:18:00 +0000  Country version- I've got friends with runny noses, where the mucus drowns and the tissues chase the snot away......... My book is here! Posted: Sat, 01 Mar 2008 23:54:00 +0000   The first copy of Quarterback Dad: A Play-by-Play Guide to Tackling Your New Baby showed up in the mail today!!!! The book was two years in the making, but it is finally here. The publishing business can be maddeningly slow at times, but holding your book is almost like holding your baby for the first time........an indescribable joy. Writing the outline, finding an agent (the world's greatest by the way), finding a publisher, haggling over contract issues, rewrites, and a ton of nervous wait time to see it in print. Coming soon to a bookstore near you! Take a peak at http://www.quarterbackdad.com/ to see more. Quarterback Dad is your perfect guide to go from rookie father to Hall of Fame Daddy! Tell all of your friends. Awww heck, tell everybody in the free world. Let's even tell people in the non-free world. Do they play football in China? The first review came a few days ago. It will be in the June issue of a major pregnancy magazine. It is great, but I promised the editor I won't print it until the issue ships. 3 gallons of snot and blog politics Posted: Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:21:00 +0000  The little one is under the weather. Full speed one minute and down for the count the next minute. It is amazing the amount of snot that can come out of a three-year-old's nose. My gosh, if there was a market for this stuff all parents could be rich. We are talking Bill Gates rich! Please, if anyone has a use for snot (or dirty tissues), just let me know. We can go into business together. It could be fun to write the jingle for our snot company. Nostalgic (based on an old tv ad)- You may think it's butter, but it's snot. Happy (sung to the tune of Raining Men)- It's raining snot, hallelujah, it's raining snot..... Religious- Amazing Snot, how sweet the sound, that blew a nose like me......... I better quit before the lightning strikes!!!!! I'll come up with a few more for next week. Politics Reading other blogs, it amazes me that people think they can sway your vote by attacking another candidate. My momma always said 'you catch more flies with honey then vinegar.' Name calling worked in the third grade, but aren't legal voters older than that? Be nice and explain why your candidate is better and then we can have a discussion. Singing Crayons Posted: Fri, 22 Feb 2008 10:36:00 +0000  Singing Crayons, sounds like a great name for a 1980s punk band. Nicole spent all day yesterday walking around holding a crayon like a microphone. Immediately after her nap, she wanted to know where her 'singing crayon' was. She picked it up and started belting out a tune. She also stacked up a set of foam floor pads and made a mini stage. She makes us laugh. She also judges all dresses by how good they are at twirling. She puts on a dress and twirls around, often corkscrewing herself into a pile. She then says "this is a good twirling dress." Do we have the next American Idol on our hands? Or the next Britney Spears? I think I'll let her do this at home, but never encourage her to hit the stage. The bright lights haven't been to kind to Britney. Operation Wee-Wee Day Two Three hits One Miss, but she spent most of the afternoon in diapers because of an extra long nap and we went out to eat. Not brave enough to let her pee on the restaurant chairs. Operation Wee-Wee Posted: Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:11:00 +0000  Day one of hardcore potty training began. We have tried a few times before, but let her go back to diapers after a few hours. She would scream and ask (no, she was demanding) for diapers. We have decided to go cold turkey, other than sleeping hours. Since she sleeps with us, that may be awhile. No Potty Training for Dummies Books for us. We just decided to do it on our own. Yesterday's scorecard 2 Hits 8 Misses 1 Load of Laundry Man, this kid pees alot!!! How can a thirty pound kid create so much bodily waste. I thinks she peeed her entire body weight. How do you spell the word 'peeed'? That can't be right, but it looks cute. I have heard that there exists plastic panties that contain the offensive liquid, but have been unable to find any. She just keeps leaving puddles all over the floor. I am glad we have hardwood floors. I'm no Martha Stewart Posted: Sun, 17 Feb 2008 22:49:00 +0000  I am not a very good cook. I can follow directions, but I have no flare. My brother has flare, He can throw things in a pot and come out with a great meal. If I throw things in a pot, we would just save time to throw the entire pot out before anyone is forced to eat any. Tonight's menu Home made chicken soup and home baked bread. All done by yours truly. Kicker...... Soup is a prepackaged mix that was home made by someone else. Although I did cook the chicken and put it all in the pot, thank you very much. The bread was also a prepackaged mix that came from the store. Although I did put it in the bread-maker and turn it on, thank you very much. On the household front, Nicole was helping Mommy "orgarize" her books today. We laughed and figured anything to help her put her books away was good. The kid has more books than your local library! Rainy days suck......................, unless the little one takes an extra long nap. Wink, Wink, Say no More. House Cleaning Posted: Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:14:00 +0000  Nicole (3) grabs the dustmop and says "I like cleaning". Dad grabs a camcorder and records that saying. I figure I can use that in a few years when I ask her to clean her room. I wonder if I could play it at night when she is sleeping and subliminally send her a message. If that works, I will add "I like homework, Science is my favorite class, and Always ask Mom for money." Then when she turns twelve I'll add "I don't want to date till I'm nineteen". I worry that the no dating strategy might backfire and leave her living in our basement when she is thirty. Living in the dog house... Posted: Sun, 10 Feb 2008 16:05:00 +0000  I'm in the dog house again. Nicole said "I have boogers in my nose." Dad answered "Boogers live in your nose, we could actually call your nose a booger house." A dirty look ensued from my wonderfully charming wife. The look that puts me in the dog house (for at least a few minutes). I actually think it would be funny if she called it a booger house in school. I think even the teacher would laugh and the world needs more laughing teachers. Kibbles-n-Bits, I'm gonna get me some Kibbles-n-Bits............... Silly Walks and Other Ramblings Posted: Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:20:00 +0000  Been silent on the blog front due to grad school, book writing, and baby-watching. Silly Walks- Nicole just started walking around differnt ways this morninga s she was picking up her toys. My god, she was actually picking them up. Usually Hurricane Nicole works in the opposite direction. She usually destroys the house in a manner of minutes, but today she was putting her play kitchen food away while amusing herself (and me) with funny walks. She would quickly stomp on one trip, tiptoe on the next. I tried to get her to moonwalk, but that didn't work. Her funniest was the extremely long steps, she almost fell over. But it worked to get her to clean up her toys. I will definitely try that again. I also might need to call the Ministry of Funny Walks. Joking Me- All week long whenever I get her laughing she says "You're joking me." I know she is missing a few words, but I like the way she says it. TV Watching- I saw a KD Lang ad for her new CD. I like her music, but in the ad she looks just like Johnny Cash six months before his death. Now if she would just sing Ring of Fire I would love it. I fell into a burning ring of fire........... Let's take a walk....... Posted: Sat, 02 Feb 2008 01:47:00 +0000  "Is this a walking road" asked Nicole. "No, it's called a sidewalk", said Dad. "I think I will call it a walking road", she answered. Stubborn (but cute), she gets both traits from her Mom. Stubborn and cute from Mom, no rhythym and a love of ice cream from me. Snow Dream and Dancing Girls Posted: Mon, 28 Jan 2008 21:56:00 +0000  Growing up in Florida, I have to admit I like snow. Of course, I live in NC, not upstate NY. I find myself this time of year addicted to the weather websites looking for a chance of snow. They may predict it ten days from now and I get my hopes up. The meteorologists are always right aren't they???? From watching the weather websites, I realize why we have a home mortgage problem in this country. It is all because of the annoying, ugly, uncoordinated dancing girl that haunts my computer. Anyone who clicks on that link to get a mortgage is guaranteed not to understand their ARM terms. The entire mortgage crisis is due to a cheesy dancing computer girl created by a nerd-boy who has never had a date. Solution to the mortgage dilemma is to get a nerd-boy a date. Congress needs to get this boy a date. No more home mortage problem. People can continue to max out their credit cards, because house values will continue to rise. The economy will run great. Of course, this also means that we buy more Chinese toys made with lead paint. China gets richer and our kids develop brain damage. On second thought, I just need to put up with the idiotic dancing girl (or take an economics class). Early Geometry Lessons Posted: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 10:44:00 +0000  We were playing yesterday (while learning about shapes) when my star unequivocally states that "a square is a baby rectangle". That is a neat concept and if I ever teach math it will be a concept I use. Right now, we are in the mommy, daddy, and baby phase. Everything must be in groups of three. Then she proceeds to name them. We have mommy banana slices, daddy banana slices, and Nicole banana slices. She does this with everything. How do I explain to her that some babies have two mommies or two daddies?