Brand New Dad » Columns » Ask Armin

About the Author Armin Brott bestselling books , including the recent release, Fathering Your School Age Child, have helped millions of men around the world become the fathers they want to be - and their children need them to be. Armin has been a guest on hundreds of radio and television shows, writes a nationally syndicated column, "Ask Mr. Dad," and hosts a weekly radio show. He and his family live in Oakland, California. Visit His Website This article is a copyright Armin Brott, 2008

Dear Mr. Dad. My girlfriend and I are about to become parents. She wants to get married before the baby is born, but I don't really see the point. Can't unmarried parents be just as committed as married ones? A: This is one of these questions that I know is going to generate a huge amount of response from readers on both sides of the argument. I've been researching and writing about fatherhood for more than a decade and my main objective has always been to give men the tools and support and encouragement they need to become the fathers they want to be and their children need them to be. Given that so many children are born to unmarried-but-living-together couples, I've always maintained that it's more important to support fathers-whether they're married or not-than to make judgments about people's lifestyle choices. I still believe that's true. However, there are a few compelling reasons you might want to give some serious consideration to getting married: Unmarried fathers aren't as involved. "Cohabiting partners, even if they are biological father to the child, do not invest the same amount of time with children as married biological fathers," says family studies researcher Sandra Hofferth, "and they are less warm than the married biological fathers." It's harder to stay involved if the relationship heads south. In cases of divorce, mothers have primary or sole custody of the children about 80 percent of the time. While divorced fathers frequently feel cut off from their children's lives, unmarried fathers have fewer legal rights and find it even harder to maintain a strong relationship with their children after the breakup. It's good for your health. Researchers have found that unmarried couples that are living together are more likely to suffer from depression, and have more health problems than married couples. This may be because "cohabitants put up with behavior in their partners which husbands and wives would discourage, particularly regarding smoking, alcohol and substance abuse," according to the Institute for the Study of Civil Society. It may keep you alive longer. Married men have been shown to have longer life expectancies than unmarried men. It's good for your finances. A number of studies show that married men earn 10-40 percent more than single or cohabiting men. Despite all of this research, no one has a solid idea of why being married makes such a difference. But the connection seems to be there. One last thing.... as long as the topic of marriage is on the table, consider doing it sooner rather than later. Statistically, the longer a couple lives together before the wedding, the more likely they are to get divorced later on.

More Questions

» About seventy percent of new mothers experience periods of mild sadness, weepiness, mood swings, sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, inability to make decisions, anger, or anxiety after the baby is born.

» Q: My son was born four months ago, and things are starting to settle down. But every time I sit down to do some extra work on the computer, I feel guilty about leaving my wife to take care of him since she's with him all day long. I try to help, but I also need to get ahead with work. What should I do?

» Dear Mr. Dad: A close friend of mine wants to have a baby but she has no interest in being in a relationship with a man. I've been telling her that her baby will be a lot better off with a father around but she says dads don't bond with kids and that having a man around the house won't have any effect on the baby. Who's right?

» Dear Mr. Dad: I'm a new dad and I can't help but feel like my 2-week old girl hates me. it seems that no matter what I do with her-or even if I come near her-she screams and cries and flails her arms like she's trying to push me away or like she's frightened of me.

» Dear Mr. Dad. My girlfriend and I are about to become parents. She wants to get married before the baby is born, but I don't really see the point. Can't unmarried parents be just as committed as married ones?

» Dear Mr. Dad: Six months ago, my wife and I divorced because she was having an affair. After our divorce, she remarried and my 3-year old son has become attached to her new husband, who showers him with expensive presents. I know my son loves me, but it isn't easy for me not to feel hurt by their relationship. I don't want to harm my son's relationship with his stepfather, so how can I deal with these feelings?

» Dear Mr. Dad: I'm the mother of five kids under six and I'm on the verge of divorce. The problem is that I am taking care of the kids single-handedly and my husband hardly lifts a finger. When he does, I complement him, and I never criticize the way he does things. He's a doctor and works long hours, but am I expecting too much for him to make a meal once in a while, do some laundry, or wash a few dishes? I know men see things differently than women but he seems to be a little extreme. How much help can I realistically expect?

» My fiancée and I recently had a baby. I'm thrilled with everything, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking a backseat to her parents. It's almost as if their opinions matter more than mine. Is there anything I can do or say?

» Q: I've got a pretty flexible schedule and I'd really like to share the childcare equally with my wife. She seems so good at it, though, that I'm not sure I can ever catch up. Is there anything I can do?

» Q: I'm a stay-at-home dad, and I'm worried that my daughter will get bored at home with me and with the same toys. What do I do?

» Q: What should we do to childproof our house?

» Q: My wife wants to have another child, but I'm not sure I'm ready. The first one keeps us so busy already that we barely have time for the both of us. What should I do?

» Q: I'm a new father. I haven't had much experience with infants and I want to be involved in my daughter's care, but every time I try to pick her up, she starts to fret. How can I feel more competent?

» Q: We have a newborn and my wife and I are both exhausted. Who do you think should take care of the baby when he wakes up at 3 a.m.? Do both of us have to suffer?

» Q: I used to be the center of my wife's universe. Now that we've had a baby, I'm jealous, of all the time they spend together and I feel left out. Is this normal and how can I overcome my feelings?

» Q: Help! I'm an expectant father and something's happening to my libido.

» My three-year-old is a real handful at times. My wife and I have struggled to find the right approach to disciplining him. Do you have any suggestions?

» My three-year-old daughter has an imaginary friend named Maggie. She talks to her all the time, draws with her, and "reads" her favorite books to her. I even have to set an extra place at the dinner table for Maggie or my daughter won't eat. Is this okay or should I be concerned about my daughter's sanity?

» My husband recently bought a computer for our 18-month old daughter. I think he's nuts, but he says that it's never too early to get kids computer literate. Is he right or should we wait?

» My year-old child has begun to climb out of the crib at night. How do I keep her safe?