Brand New Dad » Columns » Ask Armin

About the Author Armin Brott bestselling books , including the recent release, Fathering Your School Age Child, have helped millions of men around the world become the fathers they want to be - and their children need them to be. Armin has been a guest on hundreds of radio and television shows, writes a nationally syndicated column, "Ask Mr. Dad," and hosts a weekly radio show. He and his family live in Oakland, California. Visit His Website This article is a copyright Armin Brott, 2008

Dear Mr. Dad: My fiancée and I recently had a baby. I'm thrilled with everything, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking a backseat to her parents. It's almost as if their opinions matter more than mine. Is there anything I can do or say? A: Much as you may not want to hear this, in the minds of your fiancée's parents, their opinion DOES matter more than yours. Their daughter just gave birth to their grandchild, and they consider themselves to be the best authority on all things related not only to their new grandchild, but to their daughter as well. That's a tough dynamic to change, but you can do it. The big kicker is that your fiancée has to be on board with you in order to make that change. First of all, you and she will need to have some serious discussions about what, exactly, your role is going to be and what "involved father" means to each of you. It is not uncommon for the man and woman to have very different expectations. Be very specific with each other about who'll be doing what. Who gets up for those three AM feedings? Who's responsible for the diapers-both changing and buying? When will you introduce solid foods and what will that food be? Will you use a playpen or not? Should your baby sleep in the same bed as you and your fiancée? Are you going to teach your baby sign language? A lot of couples avoid dealing with these issues because they're afraid they'll lead to conflict. But dealing with them now will make life easier for both of you in the long run. Once you hammer out your roles, your fiancée will have to be the one to break the news to her parents. They won't hear it from you. She'll need to tell them, respectfully, that you and she have decided to raise your child in such and such a way. While you both appreciate their opinions and are very grateful that they're around to help out, you and she will be parenting the way the two of you have agreed. Yes, her parents did a wonderful job of raising their daughter, but times have changed. She should be sure to tell them what wonderful grandparents they already are, and how, as grandparents, they get to have all the fun of parenting with a lot less of the dirty work. With any luck, that talk will have the desired effect. If not, your fiancée may have to take it up a notch or two by telling her parents that if they can't go along with the parenting program as you've outlined it and respect the two of you as parents, they simply won't be able to spend as much time with their grandchild as they'd like to. Hopefully, it won't come to that.

More Questions

» About seventy percent of new mothers experience periods of mild sadness, weepiness, mood swings, sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, inability to make decisions, anger, or anxiety after the baby is born.

» Q: My son was born four months ago, and things are starting to settle down. But every time I sit down to do some extra work on the computer, I feel guilty about leaving my wife to take care of him since she's with him all day long. I try to help, but I also need to get ahead with work. What should I do?

» Dear Mr. Dad: A close friend of mine wants to have a baby but she has no interest in being in a relationship with a man. I've been telling her that her baby will be a lot better off with a father around but she says dads don't bond with kids and that having a man around the house won't have any effect on the baby. Who's right?

» Dear Mr. Dad: I'm a new dad and I can't help but feel like my 2-week old girl hates me. it seems that no matter what I do with her-or even if I come near her-she screams and cries and flails her arms like she's trying to push me away or like she's frightened of me.

» Dear Mr. Dad. My girlfriend and I are about to become parents. She wants to get married before the baby is born, but I don't really see the point. Can't unmarried parents be just as committed as married ones?

» Dear Mr. Dad: Six months ago, my wife and I divorced because she was having an affair. After our divorce, she remarried and my 3-year old son has become attached to her new husband, who showers him with expensive presents. I know my son loves me, but it isn't easy for me not to feel hurt by their relationship. I don't want to harm my son's relationship with his stepfather, so how can I deal with these feelings?

» Dear Mr. Dad: I'm the mother of five kids under six and I'm on the verge of divorce. The problem is that I am taking care of the kids single-handedly and my husband hardly lifts a finger. When he does, I complement him, and I never criticize the way he does things. He's a doctor and works long hours, but am I expecting too much for him to make a meal once in a while, do some laundry, or wash a few dishes? I know men see things differently than women but he seems to be a little extreme. How much help can I realistically expect?

» My fiancée and I recently had a baby. I'm thrilled with everything, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking a backseat to her parents. It's almost as if their opinions matter more than mine. Is there anything I can do or say?

» Q: I've got a pretty flexible schedule and I'd really like to share the childcare equally with my wife. She seems so good at it, though, that I'm not sure I can ever catch up. Is there anything I can do?

» Q: I'm a stay-at-home dad, and I'm worried that my daughter will get bored at home with me and with the same toys. What do I do?

» Q: What should we do to childproof our house?

» Q: My wife wants to have another child, but I'm not sure I'm ready. The first one keeps us so busy already that we barely have time for the both of us. What should I do?

» Q: I'm a new father. I haven't had much experience with infants and I want to be involved in my daughter's care, but every time I try to pick her up, she starts to fret. How can I feel more competent?

» Q: We have a newborn and my wife and I are both exhausted. Who do you think should take care of the baby when he wakes up at 3 a.m.? Do both of us have to suffer?

» Q: I used to be the center of my wife's universe. Now that we've had a baby, I'm jealous, of all the time they spend together and I feel left out. Is this normal and how can I overcome my feelings?

» Q: Help! I'm an expectant father and something's happening to my libido.

» My three-year-old is a real handful at times. My wife and I have struggled to find the right approach to disciplining him. Do you have any suggestions?

» My three-year-old daughter has an imaginary friend named Maggie. She talks to her all the time, draws with her, and "reads" her favorite books to her. I even have to set an extra place at the dinner table for Maggie or my daughter won't eat. Is this okay or should I be concerned about my daughter's sanity?

» My husband recently bought a computer for our 18-month old daughter. I think he's nuts, but he says that it's never too early to get kids computer literate. Is he right or should we wait?

» My year-old child has begun to climb out of the crib at night. How do I keep her safe?